As I continue my personal experiential study of being softer with myself, one of the things that’s helping a lot has been to jettison the word “should” from my vocabulary. I find that even without holding a big stick over my head, things are getting done, and life is flowing along, better than ever in fact. Ideas are coming to me, I’m following the energy of whatever feels like the right thing to focus on in the moment, in the day, in the week.

Martha Beck talks about making decisions based on whether the activity in question makes you feel “shackles on” or “shackles off”. In other words, is it something you’re feeling forced to do, shoving yourself into chains or a dark box, or something that feels like you are free and flying? Is it something that makes you groan and want to pull the covers back over your head?

Or something that makes you want to shout “whoo hoo” because energy is coursing through you?

When I originally conceived of this site, I was excited by the ideas I wanted to share and explore, and I thought the way I “should” do this was through a blog. But as I faced the prospect of feeling obligated to write a new post several times a week, I felt the shackles creeping toward me.

The clear answer was to write less often, or change the structure of the site. But it took me a while to get to that solution, because my “taskmaster” voice kicked in and tried to tell me that I “should” write every day because I told people to come to the site and they would be expecting a constant flow of new content. The word “constant” alone feels like a shackle, so I knew this wasn’t right for me.

Now I know there are people out there who will say “But what about your responsibilities and obligations?” Can you just feel the shackles? That’s because the word “obligation” comes from the Latin for “bind.” Whenever possible, I say, eliminate anything that is an “obligation” – something you are doing only because you agreed to do something you didn’t really want to do. Get rid of obligations, shoulds, got-to’s! Say no thank you!

I’m advocating a different kind of responsibility – the responsibility to enjoy your life, to want to do whatever you’re spending energy on. If you hate your job, find one that you like more. If you hate your life, change it until you don’t hate it any more. I’m freelancing right now, and oddly, I’ve had to remind myself not to take on projects that repel me!

Basically I’m advising you to do as close to exactly what you want to be doing as much of the time as possible! Who’s in?

Here’s a stress-relief technique that’s 100% free and always available:

Take a deep breath. Let it out. Repeat.

In more detail: Breathe in through your nose for several seconds. Breathe deeply than normal – allow the air to fill your belly and raise your diaphragm. Hold it there for a few seconds. Now exhale through your mouth, blowing it out with sound if that helps. Allow your belly to relax and deflate. Let your shoulders drop. Visualize calm, cool air flowing in and stress flowing out.

Your brain will be more alert from extra oxygen, your muscles will relax, and you will give your mind a few seconds rest from thinking, by focusing on the breathing.

It’s surprising how easy it is to forget to breathe in a relaxed way! On an especially stressful day, you can set a timer to remember to do this every couple of hours.

Today I’m urging you to take a break from reading or watching the news.

Yes, as citizens of the world, we want to be informed, but I’ve noticed that the main headlines as reported by newspapers, television or online is basically a roll call of who died or was attacked in some way, and how. The more intense the violence involved, the more likely we are to hear about it. (The old “if it bleeds, it leads” adage.)

Is this what you want to fill your eyes and mind with, as one of the first acts of your day?

Or if it’s political headlines or blogs you prefer, think about whether reading them is mainly a way to get an adrenaline rush, to see what the “Other Side” has done now, and commiserate with others in outrage.

So what do I suggest instead, to reduce rather than raise your blood pressure? Taking a walk outside. Cloud gazing. Reading a book. Finger painting. Daydreaming. Cuddling a pet or human. Reading positive blogs. Playing with a yoyo.

I realize that news reporting can at times be helpful to galvanize people to take action. If you’re worried that you’ll miss something important that you should respond to, you could set up an automatic payment to the Red Cross and/or your favourite political group to cover whatever the crisis of the moment is.

Give it a try, for a morning, a day, the whole weekend — and let us know how it works out.

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I stole this idea from my friend Zadie: a structure-free day. Pick one day a week where you have no agenda, no plans, no to-do list. Just do whatever you feel like doing. Could be going for a long bike ride or calling friends or (my personal favourite) lying on the couch with a book. If you truly feel like painting the porch, you can do it, but not because you feel like you have to, or because you said that’s what you would do this weekend.

It’s a refreshing feeling!

What happens when ask yourself “What do I really feel like doing right now?” instead of “What should I be doing right now?”

I woke up to find that Be Softer was having technical difficulties. As in no files appearing. Eeek!

I spent a good hour attempting to figure out what could be wrong. I read ominous reports online that there had been “attacks” on WordPress blogs, so I backed up all my files, downloaded a new version of the software and uploaded to a test site.

And still nothing.

Which meant that the software wasn’t the problem. I wrote my hosting services and at that point realized there was nothing else I could do. I could stare (or yell) at the computer. I could continue my early-morning mini-meltdown. I could check my email every 30 seconds to see if the help desk had responded.

Or I could step away for a little while and move on to another project.

So that’s what I did. Whipped up an article, got it off to the publisher, and then went to check for any updates. The help desk had written in the meantime to say the problem had been resolved, approximately 2 hours after I first noticed it.

I only wish I’d stepped away for a couple of hours as my first course of action to see if the problem resolved itself without effort on my part. Would have saved myself some hassle and hair pulling!

I find this often to be the case. Walking away from a puzzle often helps me solve it. And when it comes to email or web, we definitely don’t have to respond to everything immediately. People who write a panicked message almost always follow it up with a “never mind” a few hours later.  Messages sent to a group often don’t need my input – someone usually makes my point for me, or close enough. Emails put in my “deal with later” folder magically become irrelevant or resolve themselves. I’ve heard stories of executives who dump all their non-urgent mail in a drawer and pull it out a few weeks later to see what still needs action. If it turns out you were wrong and it is urgent, someone will get back to you.

I know this sounds downright irresponsible and certainly no way for an over-achiever to act! And yes, that’s my not-so-hidden agenda: less over-achieving (”over” implies more than you need to be doing, right?), more just be-ing. Maybe we can act less like fire fighters screaming to a fire and more like, I don’t know, mattress testers…

Have a soft rest of  your week!

p.s. How’d you do with your e-mail vacation?

Hooray for the long weekend! I was already getting out of office replies yesterday afternoon and to those people I say “Bravo!”

If you’re working today, I hereby authorize you to leave at noon.

And furthermore, I authorize you to go outside and leave your email behind for the weekend. Or at least several hours of it. Soak up the last of the summer and leave your “smart” phone behind. Curl up with a book rather than hovering over your computer, waiting for that new email “ding.”

Is your email notification set for every 10 minutes? (or less?!) Do you check it last thing at night and first thing in the morning? If you’re away from your computer or phone, do you get nervous that you’re missing something?

Patricia Wallace, in her book The Psychology of the Internet talks about email (and other web activities) as an example of a “variable ratio schedule” of rewards. So instead of the rat who gets pellets every time he hits the button, she likens our compulsive checking of email to a gambler at a slot machine. Maybe this time there will be a hilarious message for me to read, someone writing me to invite me to something fun, or tell me how great I am. Because you know, sometimes there is! And it feels awesome! But we can make a conscious decision about how often in a day we need to do that check, and how many times a day we’re going to take the time to scan and delete all those other not-so-awesome emails.

The other side of the coin is checking because you’re afraid your work is going to burn down or you will be fired if you don’t respond in 5 minutes. I’m going to go out on a limb and tell you, that’s not gonna happen. I promise.

Here are various strategies to try. Some will be harder than others – maybe try one this weekend and work your way up to another one that sounds impossible to you now!

• Don’t check work email from home. Or if you’re self-employed, set filters so you don’t see work emails. (More on this another time).
• Change your “check for new email” setting to once an hour.
• Change your setting to every five hours.
• Turn off automatic checking and choose specified times of day to check your email. If you operate strictly on webmail, close the browser window and choose times when you will check the site.
• Turn off the iPhone, Blackberry, Palm, new mail notifications on your phone. Whatever it is, just push that little power button to Off. Not just “silent”. Off! How long can you go?
• Set a time at night when you will stop emailing.
• Set a time in the morning that will be your first check-in.
• Try an email-free morning!
• Check email once in the morning and then not again until the following morning!
• Check email in the evening and then not again for 36 hours!
• Go nuts and go email-free for the whole weekend!

Do any of these sound radical or extremist to you? That’s because there is a nearly universal acceptance now that we must be in constant contact by email, even if that means constant interruptions to our day and attention. It has become socially acceptable to respond to email and text messages from people who are not with you, taking away from the time and attention that you are spending on the people who are right in front of you!

But I urge you to try something different, even if it’s just temporary. Put that email urge to sleep for a bit. See what it feels like.

Which of these can you can bring yourself to adopt? How did it go? Share your results here. This isn’t a contest of who’s more virtuous or pure for going the longest without checking, but an experiment for YOU to see how addicted you are to that rush, that need to be needed, that need to respond. Make sure that you are in control of your email checking habit, rather than the other way around!

Good luck and have a soft weekend!

I’ve been working on the site for a few weeks now, but I had intended to officially launch on Tuesday. I guess that was an appropriately soft deadline!

I got derailed early in the week by travel gone amuck and although I was tempted to revert to my old harder/faster/stronger ways, I realized that rushing around, stressing out and pulling an all-nighter wasn’t exactly going to be walking the talk of Being Softer with myself! I also realized that this was a self-imposed deadline (as so many are, really), and thus, flexible if I could let go of the need to line up with a random calendar date!

So here we are. I’ll be here five days a week, offering suggestions and stories about how to be kinder to yourself, to others, and to the planet. Please take a look around and tell me what you think! I welcome your comments, suggestions, encouragement and ideas! (To learn more about why I built this site see What’s the Idea Behind Be Softer?

To celebrate the official launch, I am giving away a Soft Selection of goodies to one lucky new reader! On September 10, a name will be drawn randomly from people who have commented on this (or any) post or subscribed to the newsletter. (or who drop me a line to say they’ve subscribed to the site via RSS or email.) You can get an extra entry by tweeting and/or linking to the site on your blog!

The Soft Selection Prize Pack includes:

	Softy Blanket and Pillow Better than the Snuggie!
	Organic Cotton Toe Sox! Grey or Pink!
	Yummy All-Natural Black Berry Vanilla Body Butter Slather on yourself or a friend!

Good luck, enjoy the site, and have a soft day!

1. The kids are back in school (or aren’t yet!)
2. It improves your immune system so you can keep free from all the exciting “biological souveniers” people brought back from their summer vacations.
3. You installed those new eco-bulbs outside.
4. You started running again and your muscles are a little shocked.
5. You want one.

If you’re worried about cost, check with your local massage school to see if they have a clinic. Or offer a “you rub my back I’ll rub yours” trade with your partner or BFF.

Get one for me while you’re up…

This weekend’s challenge involves creating a quieter environment for yourself.

Do you keep a constant “soundtrack” to fill your space with music or talking? iTunes, internet radio, stereo, or the television talk show “keeping you company”? Do you turn them on the minute you wake up and come home? Do you plug in your earphones every time you walk out the door?

There’s no doubt that music can be very helpful at times to pep us up, but as an experiment, try turning it all off. Just for an hour.

How does it feel? Do you feel a little desperate for noise? What scares you about the silence?

Are you more focused on whatever you’re doing? Or, are you more aware of your attention wandering, instead of to the words of a song or the thoughts of a pundit, to thoughts or images of your own? What are those thoughts or images? If they’re fears, try writing them down to find out what it is that you’re trying to avoid thinking about. If they are fantasies, what is it your heart is asking for?

What does your environment sound like? Are there birds chirping, dogs barking? Are there people outside having fun? Do you want to go join them? Or are there people yelling? Can you send them peaceful poz vibes? What electrical sounds are filling your space? Can you unplug some of them, turn down the hum?

Speaking of humming, if you have the urge to provide your own soft soundtrack, go for it! If it’s a song with words, what are those words, or what is the title of the song? I find if a song appears in my head, it may carry a message for me. Is your mind or heart trying to tell you something? Are you allowing yourself some silence in your life to hear it?

Share your experience!

Earlier this month, the mayor of Phoenix declared the city’s third annual Stress Free Day.

Of course, I’d love it if we could be less stressed every day, but it’s great that the city took time to raise awareness of stress as a quality of life issue. It looks like a local health club/spa was the driving force behind the initiative, offering to consult with local businesses about how they could help their employees relax.  Maybe their success will encourage individuals and health businesses in other cities to talk to their elected representatives about raising awareness and providing stress management/stress relief initiatives.

I hope other cities adopt this idea! I’d love to see towns competing to see who has the calmest, healthiest population! Last week, Forbes issued its list of “Most Stressful Cities.” (warning, just reading the article may be stress-inducing!). By inverting the list to ask the question in a more positive way, I can report for you of America’s largest 40 cities, using Forbes’ methodology, here are:

The 10 Least Stressed Out Large Cities

1. Austin/Round Rock, TX
2. San Antonio, TX
3. Nashville/Davidson/Murfreesboro/Franklin, TN
4. Dallas-Fort Worth/Arlington, TX
5. Kansas City, MO-KS
6. Denver/Aurora, CO
7. Virginia Beach/Norfolk/Newport News, VA-NC
8. Houston/Sugar Land/Baytown, TX
9. Jacksonville, FL
10. Columbus, OH

Wow, Texas with 4 out of 10! I lived in Houston for a year, and must admit it was a pleasure to ride my bike year-round. And they do know how to go swimming and BBQ. Phoenix, if you’re wondering, is 14th.

And I’m heading to Kansas City this weekend, so I’ll be sure to investigate their low-stress ways.

What, to you, makes a city and its citizens less stressful? How’s your city doing?